Day 9 – Well, Here I Am

Yes, that title is a bit confusing, particularly as this is obviously my first blog post. It is, however, my 9th day of sobriety. I had my last alcoholic beverage on December 28th, 2018 and I have no intention of looking back. I’m tired of it – tired of the 3am guilt, tired of the dehydrated mornings, tired of the space alcohol takes up in my brain. I think about it from the moment I get up (regretting my weakness from the night before and promising to make a change) until the time I pass out at night (after a bottle or 2 of wine and several Amazon purchases I will not remember in the morning). So, I’m making a change and putting my journey on the internet for some added accountability.

This isn’t something I feel like I can share in “real life” due to the nature of my career. I am a social worker by education and in management at a large nonprofit organization. I literally work with people needing addiction treatment and have helped many clients down the path to sobriety, followed by going home and downing a bottle of wine just to “cope” with the stress. It takes a special level of cognitive dissonance to be an overly-enthusiastic drinker while in this field, but I am nothing if not the master of excusing my own behavior. Yes, I drink more than the guidelines, but those are only guidelines, suggestions really. I can do it all! I can raise a family, manage a household, work full-time, complete my doctorate, and drink everyone under the table while doing it! I’ve earned the right to relax at the end of a hard day (and during a normal day, and all day on the weekends…).

The truth is I’m a big old hypocrite. How can I teach others what I am unwilling to implement in my own life? How can I dispense wisdom about mindfulness, healthy coping mechanisms, and living your truth when I shamefully drown my stress and anxiety with alcohol. So here I am. I’m looking forward to the journey (and scared shitless).

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